Bulletproof Reinforced Safety Glass

Saturday daylight will soon be dawning as I sit on my brown sofa. Awake and thankful for my solitude so rare these days. So much so the evening darkness brought with it the oppresive non-productive anxiety I thought I had banished with moving up and on. Apparently I am not so smart as I think I am or at least not as in control. That's okay. I recognized the antsy feeling that escalates to 'gotta go, gotta go' (not sure where), bewildered at how my heartbeat seems to suddenly sync up with a bluetooth thumping louder than my iTunes speaker. Is it really audible?? 

I was looking forward to this evening and it is all good now and I have actually gotten some things accomplished. What unseen force breaks the glass and pushes my private panic button is a mystery unsolved but recognizing the false alarm makes all the difference. Among other things I repeat to myself , "This is only a feeling. It can't hurt me no matter how scary it feels and it will go away in a few minutes".  Then I make myself do something productive-easy but productive. I know some use medication but I am more scared of the many numbing side effects and need for more of them causing increased loss of personal control. Loss of true emotion, loss of natural highs and lows. In other words, No grit and No grins! 

 Life is full of change and I wanna feel it. Even if it makes me uncomfortable for a bit.  Strength is gained learning to replace panic with my own peace, God's peace. Jesus is the Prince of Peace. 

Thank you Lord for getting me through these times. Could you maybe make it bulletproof, reinforced safety glass over my hypersensative panic button from now on? You know best Lord. Amen

Natural highs and natural lows. Grit and grins. 

On and on and so it goes. kisses

Honors

Got home a few days ago from New Mexico attending my granddaughter's high school graduation. What a treasure and a blessing. My daughter and son in law have 2 more girls to get thru grade school. I appreciate their dedication. Someday the girls will appreciate the environment their parents worked so hard and sacrifice for so they may not just thrive but excel with endless possibilities. I am grateful my kids have hearts full of Christian compassion providing an anchor and resource for community young ones with parents/guardians struggling. Passing no judgement just encouragement and whatever else is needed. I think my daughter and son-in-law deserve one of those gold honor cords around their necks. Last evening I felt special to be invited to a friend's daughter's graduation party in Hondo. The next small town down Highway 90. From my experience, Texas small towns value their young. My sweet friend had almost grown up children when she and her husband were blessed to start over again. Her husband was tickled pink about his little princess but our days are numbered and his number came up way too soon. So when her peers were making ready for empty nest without missing a beat her own needs went on hold. All energy, heart and soul went into providing a loving, secure and stable home. Yes, she had family support. Yes, the Apple Dumpling Gang her husband ran barefoot with thru the country side and now occupy the Bachelors Table at the Quihi Gun Club, 'hovered'. Lending manly skills as needed not only plumbing and car repairs but a listening ear and everlasting loyality. What a delight to observe all this and experience the payoff. Cheerleader, Sports, good hearted, beautiful, friendly young lady secure in who she is because her Mom put her child's needs and education first. I applaud you Mom! I remember those days but I was younger. You did good. Better than average. I think you deserve honors. We talked a bit about what to do now. It takes effort and energy to shift gears once our children are no longer dependents. She kept sincerely asking me what I want to be doing. What I like. I have much respect for this woman and so I sincerely made myself think about the answer. Today I salute the parents, grandparents, older siblings, guardians, foster parents and various Apple Dumpling Gang members of our 2017 Graduates. You did it! We did it! So it goes. On and on. kisses

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56. 56. 56

Happy sunshine, first Thursday in May day as my April showers birthday fades away. Each year since and after I turned 50, of course thankful, but to be honest it feels rather jarring.  It sounds weird and sureal to hear me say I am 51, 52, 53, 54, 55 and now 56.  So I make myself say it out loud-a lot! 

I know it probably gets irritating to the young ones around me and I appreciate their patience. But I am trying to get this right.  I think I thought getting older would feel eaiser since I would of course be wiser. Apparently I am not old enough yet. 

Maybe not old at all. Just a little tired. Wise enough to know when it is time for a nap. 

Maybe a good life is not easy. Maybe a good life is not giving up. 

So it goes. On and on. 

kisses