Bulletproof Reinforced Safety Glass

Saturday daylight will soon be dawning as I sit on my brown sofa. Awake and thankful for my solitude so rare these days. So much so the evening darkness brought with it the oppresive non-productive anxiety I thought I had banished with moving up and on. Apparently I am not so smart as I think I am or at least not as in control. That's okay. I recognized the antsy feeling that escalates to 'gotta go, gotta go' (not sure where), bewildered at how my heartbeat seems to suddenly sync up with a bluetooth thumping louder than my iTunes speaker. Is it really audible?? 

I was looking forward to this evening and it is all good now and I have actually gotten some things accomplished. What unseen force breaks the glass and pushes my private panic button is a mystery unsolved but recognizing the false alarm makes all the difference. Among other things I repeat to myself , "This is only a feeling. It can't hurt me no matter how scary it feels and it will go away in a few minutes".  Then I make myself do something productive-easy but productive. I know some use medication but I am more scared of the many numbing side effects and need for more of them causing increased loss of personal control. Loss of true emotion, loss of natural highs and lows. In other words, No grit and No grins! 

 Life is full of change and I wanna feel it. Even if it makes me uncomfortable for a bit.  Strength is gained learning to replace panic with my own peace, God's peace. Jesus is the Prince of Peace. 

Thank you Lord for getting me through these times. Could you maybe make it bulletproof, reinforced safety glass over my hypersensative panic button from now on? You know best Lord. Amen

Natural highs and natural lows. Grit and grins. 

On and on and so it goes. kisses

Honors

Got home a few days ago from New Mexico attending my granddaughter's high school graduation. What a treasure and a blessing. My daughter and son in law have 2 more girls to get thru grade school. I appreciate their dedication. Someday the girls will appreciate the environment their parents worked so hard and sacrifice for so they may not just thrive but excel with endless possibilities. I am grateful my kids have hearts full of Christian compassion providing an anchor and resource for community young ones with parents/guardians struggling. Passing no judgement just encouragement and whatever else is needed. I think my daughter and son-in-law deserve one of those gold honor cords around their necks. Last evening I felt special to be invited to a friend's daughter's graduation party in Hondo. The next small town down Highway 90. From my experience, Texas small towns value their young. My sweet friend had almost grown up children when she and her husband were blessed to start over again. Her husband was tickled pink about his little princess but our days are numbered and his number came up way too soon. So when her peers were making ready for empty nest without missing a beat her own needs went on hold. All energy, heart and soul went into providing a loving, secure and stable home. Yes, she had family support. Yes, the Apple Dumpling Gang her husband ran barefoot with thru the country side and now occupy the Bachelors Table at the Quihi Gun Club, 'hovered'. Lending manly skills as needed not only plumbing and car repairs but a listening ear and everlasting loyality. What a delight to observe all this and experience the payoff. Cheerleader, Sports, good hearted, beautiful, friendly young lady secure in who she is because her Mom put her child's needs and education first. I applaud you Mom! I remember those days but I was younger. You did good. Better than average. I think you deserve honors. We talked a bit about what to do now. It takes effort and energy to shift gears once our children are no longer dependents. She kept sincerely asking me what I want to be doing. What I like. I have much respect for this woman and so I sincerely made myself think about the answer. Today I salute the parents, grandparents, older siblings, guardians, foster parents and various Apple Dumpling Gang members of our 2017 Graduates. You did it! We did it! So it goes. On and on. kisses

Like

56. 56. 56

Happy sunshine, first Thursday in May day as my April showers birthday fades away. Each year since and after I turned 50, of course thankful, but to be honest it feels rather jarring.  It sounds weird and sureal to hear me say I am 51, 52, 53, 54, 55 and now 56.  So I make myself say it out loud-a lot! 

I know it probably gets irritating to the young ones around me and I appreciate their patience. But I am trying to get this right.  I think I thought getting older would feel eaiser since I would of course be wiser. Apparently I am not old enough yet. 

Maybe not old at all. Just a little tired. Wise enough to know when it is time for a nap. 

Maybe a good life is not easy. Maybe a good life is not giving up. 

So it goes. On and on. 

kisses

Pleasantly Practical

I love this movie quote from Practical Magic. It is fun, it gives me hope and it just feels pleasantly practical. I actually feel great relief at the possibility of falling in love whenever I can. Looking & waiting for one true blue eternal love partner seemed natural and romantic thirty years ago. Now not so much. I marvel at my friends that seemed to have found it. 

Apparently my life is not gonna be the normal I dreamed about as a teenager. Waiting for Karen Carpenter songs to come true does not interest me anymore. I feel so relieved! 

It might sound silly but I really thought I needed to be married to be a stable, normal adult. Most of my friends are married. Some of them have been married 3 or 4 times. How has that much normal stability eluded me? 

Now looking back, having accomplished stuff over the last few years without a partner suddenly seems okay. Not getting what I thought I wanted made me work harder and smarter to get what I've got. This is what I want. Thank you Lord. kisses

Laguna Wreath

I grew up with the Laguna Madre a hop, skip and a jump from my backyard. The Laguna is a natural buffer zone that protects Flour Bluff from storm surges. Seabirds nest on its shores. Fisherman wade in the shallows. Boats troll the channel. Windsurfers color the sky. It's like our Laguna makes sure there is some happiness for all God's creatures. 

I spotted this living wreath on a recent walk. It once was an old ugly toxic tire. Our Laguna covered it in living things, made it pretty and gave that rubber trash new purpose. We need to take better care of such a treasure. kisses

The Last Visit

I took Mom to visit a friend the other day for the last time.  Retired RN's both. They met as roommates in nursing school many moons ago. So long ago in fact they actually had a curfew and room to room bed check. Such was life at the Baptist Hospital School of Nursing in San Antonio, Texas. The dormitories were across the street from the hospital, all single women as marriage was not permitted.  Mom said towards the end of the program a few nurses "snuck off' and got married anyway. 

I have enjoyed meeting several of Mom's nursing school friends and families through the years. A letter received with a new address. A phone call chain when news was grim.  Effort and energy to keep in touch even as military husbands moved some far and often. Encouragement as families grew or fell apart, in sickness and in health. 

Linked together as the perils of nursing school took its toll. Hospital night shifts, early lectures, together 24/7, roommates that came in late from a forbidden date. Somewhere in between that first newborn delivery-so scary and so sacred to the grim task of making a body ready for the morgue these young girls matured into caring, responsible women. 

I marvel at how they stayed in touch without facebook, without the internet. 

It took a deliberate determination worth all the effort as they were/are bound forever kindred spirits. Mere mortals cannot phantom what these nurses, these angels of mercy saw, endured, and cared for nor comprehend the obstacles women in 1950's nursing school had to face. 

Numbers naturally dwindle as years go by. Those RNs willing and able gather in downtown San Antonio for reunions. The Baptist Hospital with several add ons and upgrades in its familiar place. The nursing student dormitories converted into administrative offices. Marital status no longer relevant.  No more bed check.  

One year Mom and Joyce went through those offices and found the space that had been their dorm room. What memories and a surprise to the present occupants. Mom told them how Joyce liked to rearrange the furniture. Mom said she had to be careful not to trip when coming in from a late shift. 

At the most recent reunion Mom's group told the present staff about the tunnel under the street connecting the hospital with the nursing school. Apparently long forgotten. The visiting retired nurses had great fun finding the old door and the tunnel which does still exist. Just no longer used. Mom said they walked thru that tunnel every day. What a great piece of history rediscovered. 

I stood beside them. Mom and Joyce holding hands chatting as friends do. Joyce's only child on her way to move her near grandchildren many states away from lifelong friends and familiar surroundings. 

"I know this is the last time I will see Joyce" Mom said to me in the car. I ponder this as my chest clinches tight.

How do you say goodbye for the last time? I know they feel the same ten ton weight, the walls closing in. But these are old school nurses. Raw emotion is kept private. 

Mom has since talked to Joyce on the phone. Her new apartment, many states away, is next door to her grandchildren.  After 60 years of just dropping by, lunch dates and reunions, phone calls and emails will now have to do. Keeping in touch as always. Thankful for the opportunity. 

Time marches on, Life is full of change, so it goes. kisses